Thursday, October 16, 2008

I intend to play for the Yankees


Veteran lefty Andy Pettitte has declared that he intends to pitch in 2009, and he plans on doing it in pinstripes.

No kidding.

Pettitte earned $16 million in 2008 and gave the Yanks a 14-14 record and a 4.54 ERA. So why the hell wouldn't he like to pitch there again?

So now I'm putting my 2009 intentions "on the record": I intend to pitch for the Yankees, too. I don't need $16 million; I don't even really need $1 million. How does league minimum sound, Mr. Steinbrenner? I will take every opportunity to complain to the media, I will alienate myself from all teammates, I'll guarantee a handful of blown saves each month, and I won't even require a no-trade clause.

I'll be a poor man's Kyle Farnsworth.

And if being a "poor man's" anyone upsets you, then feel free to give me a huge multi-year deal, and I'll blow my arm out and never throw an inning for you. People everywhere will draw comparisons between me and the great Carl Pavano.

Still too much to stomach? You can call me a catcher, sign me to one of your mega-deals, and then I'll hurt my shoulder and never be able to actually catch, thus becoming an overpaid, underperforming DH. Jorge Posada, anyone?

Or if you really want to steal headlines from those pesky cross-town Mets, sign me to a deal that'll shatter ARod's, even though my production will be virtually equal to guys putting up similar numbers while earning millions less.

I'll grow a bushy mustache to distract people from realizing that I just posted the third lowest batting average of my career. I tend to sweat a lot, too, so nobody will know the difference at first base between me or this guy.

I can guarantee you, though, that I will not be an aging, injury prone, past-his-prime left handed starter.

And no matter what sort of deal I sign, I'll make sure to get wrapped up in a performance enhancing drug controversy, just to keep things familiar. But whichever path you choose, remember that I'm not getting any younger (hmmm... neither is Pettitte, for that matter), so choose quickly.

Either way, I intend to play for the Yankees next year.

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